someone get that fucking seahorse.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
