You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
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