I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize