If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
