In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
