My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
3pm strippers are depressing
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
