so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
