She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
