the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
