I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
