can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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