dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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