I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
