He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
