I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
