My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
