highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
