i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
