I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
