I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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