I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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