i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
