I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
