I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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