His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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