Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
