you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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