R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize