Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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