did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
