So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
