Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
