I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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