walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
