M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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