i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
