there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
