She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
