Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Do you remember whose house we're in?
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