how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
