Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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