I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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