I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize