Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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