I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
