Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
