Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
