i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I am never drinking with the goths again.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
