I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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