My liver just broke up with me...
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
