my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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