Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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