just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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