I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize