The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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