Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize