My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You took a bar mat shot.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
