my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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