She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
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